Monday, July 18, 2011

Field Trip!

It's pap smear day! So at least everybody knows that this morning in the shower, everything got the the twice-over with the razor.

Because God forbid the ob/gyn think I don't shave CLOSELY. I value his opinion of my legs that highly. Really. I do.

I'll let ya know what happens.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Random Acts of Thinking and Senseless Writing

Before I forget - when we comment, can we please mind our language? This is not an "adult content" blog (har har - no really, it's not). I don't want Google to pull my privileges and banish me to the back ends of the blog swamp. *coughs* Thank you.

Random Thought 1: Goddess Worship - The Women of My PageIf you hang around my blog or my Facebook for even a short amount of time, you will meet The Goddesses. These are the women that get me through my days, my friends. Most of them I've known for years. All of them are extremely beautiful, smart, sharp, funny, and probably dangerous. Vicki, a/k/a Orion; Staci Leigh; Nichole/Freaksicle/Freaky; Becca/Beccadoll...and then there are my new friends. All of these women inspire me in some way on a daily basis. All of them keep me going, get me moving, KEEP me moving.

I don't mean to slight my men friends, because they're great. But they don't always get it. And let's face it - men want to pat you on the ass when sometimes what you need is someone to KICK you in the ass. Women will kick you in the ass when you need it. As a matter of fact, this week I have boot marks on both ass cheeks. Thank you ladies.

Random Thought 2: Politicians Will Steal Your RentObama is making me feel bad that I voted for him. Don't terrorize people that need money by threatening to withhold their Social Security checks. That's their rent or their food. If you think that by making that threat these people can bring pressure to bear on their elected officials, you are wrong. Their elected officials do not give a crap what they think or what they say. They do not listen to them. They listen to the people with a lot of money, and that is not the guy getting $875 a month in Social Security Disability payments. So - figure something else out and send the disabled guy who worked his whole life his check and let him pay his rent. Because really? Saying anything else is just sucky and wrong.

Random Thought 3: I'm Too Old To Go See The Harry Potter Midnight Premiere
I learned that from the last one. I was pissed off and irritated well before the film started. There were too many teens making too much noise, texting, making their stupid iPhones flash in my face during the film and generally annoying me. I wanted to punch a baby by the time the whole thing was over. Worse, they came to the diner afterwards, effectively ruining my night. So. We won't be going tonight. We will be going on Sunday. Because movies are WAY too expensive and it's the last one. I love Harry Potter (just shut UP, I DO and I don't CARE what you think, I'm too old to give a crap what YOU think about my taste in movies) and I won't have the last movie in the series ruined by a group of annoying teens. The end.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

You. Look. Stupid.

There comes a time in every woman's life when we have to accept the fact that, despite what we would LIKE to believe, there are certain sections of the clothing store, and certain stores ALTOGETHER, in which we should no longer be lingering.

You know what I'm talking about.

You probably saw one today, didn't you?

Here's the deal. Despite the signage on the outside of the store, girlfriend, we are NOT forever 21, and no amount of creams, lotions and heavily applied cosmetics combined with wishing will make it so. Thus, putting your 42 year old ass into certain garments and wandering the streets in them is, to say the least, ill-advised. Why, you ask? I'll tell you why. Because gravity works, even on Demi Moore. So even if that really cute skirt and top TECHNICALLY fit, believe me, they just don't LOOK right on you. Because stuff isn't where it used to be, unless you ARE Demi Moore and have paid an arm and a leg to a really good surgeon to shift it back where it belongs.

Think of me as the awful friend you should always keep around. This is why we shouldn't go shopping alone. I'll tell you what your timid friend won't. And that is, you look stupid in that outfit. Worse, it makes you look OLDER. It's accentuating the fact that your once perky bosom is now a little forlorn, a little south of where it once was. It's telling the world that your world-class butt now plays local lounges. It's saying you actually HAD that ice cream for dessert and now it won't come off.

I am by no means saying we need to resort to polyester pantsuits and housecoats. Oh no. I am a huge fan of the goth, the corset, the sexy. But I've learned to shift my focus. I've also learned to shop my size. I'm not a 2 anymore. So I don't buy a 2. Because, while I could squeeze myself into it, it would make me look fatter. That's the thing. If you wear the RIGHT SIZE, you don't look all like a sausage squeezed into a casing. Like ten pounds of bologna in a five pound bag, as my friend Dee is fond of saying.

I can hear some of you now - look at this one all nosy and in my business. Fine. DON'T listen to me. Just be prepared the next time you're browsing People of Walmart, laughing, and suddenly realize that you're looking at your own rear view...

A Little Respect

Item: A California woman decided to take a page from Lorena Bobbit and remove her husband's member. She drugged him up, led him to bed, and commenced slicing. This woman took it a step further, however. There will be no fortunate reunion in the OR for her hubby - she tossed the offending piece of flesh into the garbage disposal. I didn't read the whole piece, but I'm going to assume that she thought or knew that her husband was cheating on her.

This really has nothing to do with anything, other than the fact that I was talking about the Bobbitt case with a friend on Facebook yesterday and I mentioned in passing that I had thought that, if she'd REALLY wanted to get him, she would have ground it up in the disposal. So both of us were kind of appalled to see the California story this morning, and I wanted an excuse to use it, so now I have one.

I don't condone mutilation - or violence of any sort - as a means of dealing with being wronged by your mate. But I had a conversation of another sort with my "partner" (I can't bring myself to say "boyfriend" at my age but haven't come up with a successful alternative yet) when he got home from work last night. Let me state right here that it made me exceptionally proud of him, which I am anyway, all the time. It made me love him even more. 

Someone at his job, another male, let us call him Thing 1, asked him if he would sleep with a particular woman. Chef Boyfriend responded, "I don't cheat." And Thing 1 said, "Why?" 

WHY? I have a better question: Why WOULD you?

I have never understood infidelity. For the life of me I haven't. If you don't want to be in a relationship - be it marriage or whatever - then get out of it. Don't make the commitment in the first place, even. Commitment is not for everyone, I will admit. You have to be sure, first of all, that you're enough of an adult to keep your id and your ego in check and not grab every single piece of candy that's in front of you. You have to be a grown up. You have to be aware that there will be times that the person you have committed to is not going to look all that appealing to you. They're going to be a pain in the ass, frankly, and you're going to want to call them names and slam the door in their face. It happens. People have warts, all people. So if you're going to commit to someone, you're going to have to accept that person, warts and all, and not necessarily love the warts, but love them despite the warts. That cute little chewing thing that you find so endearing on the third date is going to turn into a horrendous chomping by the end of the first year. Trust me. Real love is not for the faint of heart or the immature. So if you're really not sure that you can restrain yourself, if you're not completely sold on the fact that you're going to be able to resist another person telling you how fabulous you are - and really and truly hurting and damaging your partner - then don't do it. 

Because you could wind up with a body part in the garbage disposal. Or worse, you could find yourself the subject of one of my blogs. And NOBODY wants that.