You. Look. Stupid.

There comes a time in every woman's life when we have to accept the fact that, despite what we would LIKE to believe, there are certain sections of the clothing store, and certain stores ALTOGETHER, in which we should no longer be lingering.

You know what I'm talking about.

You probably saw one today, didn't you?

Here's the deal. Despite the signage on the outside of the store, girlfriend, we are NOT forever 21, and no amount of creams, lotions and heavily applied cosmetics combined with wishing will make it so. Thus, putting your 42 year old ass into certain garments and wandering the streets in them is, to say the least, ill-advised. Why, you ask? I'll tell you why. Because gravity works, even on Demi Moore. So even if that really cute skirt and top TECHNICALLY fit, believe me, they just don't LOOK right on you. Because stuff isn't where it used to be, unless you ARE Demi Moore and have paid an arm and a leg to a really good surgeon to shift it back where it belongs.


Think of me as the awful friend you should always keep around. This is why we shouldn't go shopping alone. I'll tell you what your timid friend won't. And that is, you look stupid in that outfit. Worse, it makes you look OLDER. It's accentuating the fact that your once perky bosom is now a little forlorn, a little south of where it once was. It's telling the world that your world-class butt now plays local lounges. It's saying you actually HAD that ice cream for dessert and now it won't come off.


I am by no means saying we need to resort to polyester pantsuits and housecoats. Oh no. I am a huge fan of the goth, the corset, the sexy. But I've learned to shift my focus. I've also learned to shop my size. I'm not a 2 anymore. So I don't buy a 2. Because, while I could squeeze myself into it, it would make me look fatter. That's the thing. If you wear the RIGHT SIZE, you don't look all like a sausage squeezed into a casing. Like ten pounds of bologna in a five pound bag, as my friend Dee is fond of saying.


I can hear some of you now - look at this one all nosy and in my business. Fine. DON'T listen to me. Just be prepared the next time you're browsing People of Walmart, laughing, and suddenly realize that you're looking at your own rear view...